What does that look like?
Is it a good thing?
Is it bad?
Starting again can absolutely be necessary.
Starting again can be taboo.
Sometimes it’s the apples, or oranges, that life throws.
Sometimes it is the kick in the pants that one needs.
Whatever the reason, starting again can rejuvenate.
Starting again can re-claim one’s youth.
It’s all in how it’s perceived.
It’s all in how willing one is to risk pride, fear, and all that heavy mental junk.
Throw caution to the wind, start again.
Throw primitive and binding notions out the window…with the “bath water”.
If necessary, start again.
Become the new, improved upgrade of yourself.
Love…that thing that eludes.
Love…that thing that runs in the other direction when approached.
Love…that thing that desperately wants to be captured, held, even squeezed as tightly as possible.
Is it love? Is it? Truly?
Is it validation?
Validation. To know that we matter.
Validation. To know that our presence here is important.
To know that we are very important to that someone. That someone in particular.
Dream, hope, pray…Dream, hope, pray.
Where? Where is ‘It’?
Come here! You demand.
Come here! You plead.
Come. Come. Come!
Still, ‘It’ hasn’t.
Perhaps surrender. Perhaps still remain still.
Perhaps seek fulfilling work. Make a difference, but still.
Be creative, but still.
What else is left?
What else, but to rely on a plan bigger than yourself.
“It’s going to take a while but I am going to get there.” Melanie was forceful. Melanie was adamant but was she convincing?
“What are you waiting on?” Cynthia was oh too familiar with saying that phrase to her friend.
Melanie dropped her head looking for the imaginary fist that had just punched her in the gut. She pulled in a long…long, long breath through her nostrils before she projected her eyes on to her old friend.
Cynthia recognized the expression projected on to her and worked to decode it, piece by piece. “So you want ‘It’ right?
There was silence on the other end of the conversation. Only bright, round eyes fixed in her direction. “Um, Melanie. Are you in there girlfriend?”
Melanie took another slow breath before exiting her stupor. “Um…” Gulp! “Yeah…um yeah. Of course I want ‘It’.” Her eyes slipped from her friend’s face to the floor tracing the diagonal design of the tiling pattern.
Soon Melanie’s eyes was tracing the design of Cynthia’s shiny leather pumps. Her friend had snuck up on her without any warning. “Guess what Mel. ‘It’ is reachable. You see it, right?”
“Okay, so I know that this may sound crazy.” His eyes dropped to his shoes and a light escaped from them. “Maybe just a little.” A loose chuckle rolled out of his belly. Johan tried to sound casual though he’d rehearsed this speech several times over in his head. Aniya peered at him, teeth gritted under her pressed lips. Johan’s lashes fluttered. Aniya didn’t make it easy for him but he had to get his words out. “But this isn’t just lip service. You’ve earned every single advance here.”
Aniya was silent. She allowed his words to sink in while she bore her eyes into Johan’s deep set green windows to his soul. She stared searching. Searching for truth. Searching for answers. Eventually she spoke. “Thank you. I should really get back to preparing that report for your fath…for Mr. Steinberg Sr. Excuse me.” Aniya spun around easily and quickly. One foot after the other, aiming for the door. Suddenly she heard footsteps behind her and she could feel Johan’s soft, warm breath on her neck. “One more thing. Am I forgiven?”
Time seemed to come to a screeching halt. Aniya reversed her direction slowly. She was face to face with Johan again. Even closer this time. Her round bright brown eyes grew, and grew till it formed a small protruding, shiny bulge. “Please Mr. Steinberg. Please.”
Johan’s throat tightened. His heart drummed an energetic rhythm. He raised his hand in an attempt to cover it. Not again! He swore that his heart was on fire. He wanted to take her hand. He wanted to say he only wanted what was best for her. Instead he heard the soft, pleading tone of her voice. “I love this job too much.” She whipped around again and reached for the door handle. Aniya shot through the exit with force.
Johan was tempted to follow her. Tempted to spew every last detail lodged in his heart. But he couldn’t. Not yet anyway. There was too much at stake.
Open your eyes.
Go ahead, open them!
Look at me. Look into My eyes.
What do you see?
Tell me what you find when you really look at Me.
I’ll give you a moment.
Now let me help you. It’s love.
It’s My perfect love that’s beaming right back at you.
May I tell you what I see?
I see all of you.
All of your bad decisions.
All of your flaws.
I also see all that I have created you to be.
Amidst untapped potential.
Amidst talent that you are yet to use to its fullest.
I see you.
You in Me makes you whole.
You in Me makes you complete.
Let go of the shame.
Let go of the guilt.
Make no apologies!
I have made you unique.
Or weird, as you call it.
Whatever the name, you are beautifully whole.
I’ve made no two of my creation the same.
Come rest in My Love for you.
It is finished. You are complete.
An island much?
Haven’t you heard? No man is an island.
It’s easier isn’t it?
Otherwise it’s work. Isn’t it?
It’s walls. Walls have been erected.
Walls to cover up. Walls to hide behind.
Past wounds are pulsing. Pulsing loudly in your ear.
They are dictating. Oh, they are so loud.
You asked for them. Those wounds. You walked right into them.
Everyone hits their head against the bricks. Some more times than others.
You’ll get through it. They hurt, but you’ll get through it.
Walk through those walls.
Break them down.
You’ll see. You’ll see a better life.
I will be with you.
I will be with you as you walk right through them.
There you go. I’m here.
I’m right beside you.
You’re doing it.
You’re walking through.
Through the walls. Finally free.
You’re walking through.
I LOVE YOU!
Aniya stared at her lap for two more seconds before she raised her head tentatively. She peered into Susan’s bright blue eyes trying to find the correct words to utter to her supervisor, and mentor. She doesn’t want to appear ungrateful but the confused mess of turmoil building up inside her made her sift through every word screaming at her.
Aniya finally broke her silence.
“Ahem. Susan…Susan I…I really appreciate everything you’ve taught me. Everything that I get to do here…” Aniya sucked in a thick breath. “But…was it…was it because of your relationship to the…”
Susan couldn’t allow her to go any further. She took a gigantic step forward and met Aniya at the edge of her simple but elegant office desk. Using the desk to prop her up at the rear, Susan leaned down toward Aniya and offered her firm but kind words.
“Aniya, every move you’ve made forward, since starting here, has been on your own merit. Entirely.” Susan slipped the tip of her fore finger under Aniya’s chin and raised it gently. “Don’t go getting any strange thoughts in that pretty head of yours about your promotion. You earned it. Earned it all on your own.”
Susan tilted her head to the side studying Aniya to determine whether her words had registered. “Got it, Aniya?”
Aniya vacated her own blank stare and returned to the present. “I get it.” Her voice was cold-without emotion. Without enthusiasm. She turned to look out the large wall of windows. “I think.” She muttered softly.